What To Say In A First Message To Women On Dating Sites: 4 Steps To The Perfect Opening Message (2023)

Can't think of what to say in a first message to a woman online? While most men fail to get a response, it's quite easy to write engaging emails women respond to.

Don't think you can say "Hi" or "How are you?" to start a conversation. You need to make an effort in your message to capture a woman's attention.

Follow 4 simple steps to crafting the perfect opening message and get responses.

Go figure! When you read a woman's dating profile and comment on it, you show you're actually interested in getting to know her. Most guys comment on photos or use a lame opening message like "Hey" which shows a complete lack of effort.

Jess Carbino, Tinder's sociologist, shared that "7 in 10 Tinder women want your message to show curiosity. Ask about her profile."This is key; you must ask a question about something on her profile.

By commenting on something in her profile, you're separating yourself from all the other men flooding her inbox with canned one-word messages.

As you're reading through her profile, look for "keywords" you can comment on to start a conversation. These "keywords" should be something YOU HAVE IN COMMON because, in step 3 below, you're going to create questions to show her you share common interests.

I look for words like:

• wine
• movies
• cooking
• bands
• books
• beer
• dog
• hiking
• kayaking

These are things that I enjoy doing, and odds are women will share some of these in their profile. I use these to start my conversations. I would never lie about things I don't do. For example, I'm not much of a traveler nor do I volunteer anywhere, so I never comment on these topics.

What are your passions, interests, and hobbies? As you read through a woman's profile look for keywords associated with your lifestyle and preferences. These are what you are going to talk about in your messages to create a connection with her.

Once you choose a couple of keywords, think of 1 or 2 engaging questions to show the woman you actually have something in common.

A lot of guys fail here because they choose to write; "We have something in common." This is a horrible message because you've shown her NOTHING. All you've done is tell her you have things in common; you need proof!

Sending the message "We have a lot in common" makes women do the work of reading through your profile to find what you have in common. The average woman spends 84 seconds reading your profile. I covered this in this blog post; How To Grab A Woman’s Attention Online; Focus On Your Self-Summary.

You can't expect a woman to dig through your profile looking for the "common interests" you said you have. It's a vague statement. Women spend a limited amount of time reading your profile so the odds are she may take a look, and if she quickly can't find something in common, she'll move onto someone else.

And guess what? You blew your chances because your message was vague and not engaging. The better option to capture a woman's attention is to show her you have something in common with your message. How? Keep reading.

Now comes the hard part for most men; writing a message. Relax, it's easy.

Let's look at the message I wrote to the woman below here in San Diego. I read through her profile and focused on her keywords "craft beer" and "scary movies."

You can read my "notes" on the screenshot. Be sure to read my tips at the bottom of this post to get a more detailed analysis of what I did in my message.

1. Always begin your message with a "Hello."
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2. OkCupid found certain phrases had the highest response rates from women which I discussed in another blog post. In this example, I use one of those terms, "You mention."
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3. I comment on things she wrote about herself and NOT her photos. Most men comment on photos or say a few words like "How's your night." Not me, I focus on her liking "craft beer" and "scary movies."
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4. I ask her questions about "craft beer" and "scary movies" and also give information about myself with regards to these same questions. I've found women are MORE likely to respond when I give them information about myself. It's tit for tat.
5. Note how I show we have something in common. Most men write "We have a lot in common." That never works. Always show it. I do this by asking questions and opening up about myself.
6. Always share your name at the end of your emails.Women will trust you more when you do this. This is your real name, not your screen name.

I like to use a woman's name if she shares it on her profile. I address Alexa by her name and don't just say "Good morning." Next, I use the phrase "I see" which points out I read her profile and then ask what type of wine she enjoys. I keep it simple and share my favorite.

Then I proceed to ask Alexa what things she enjoys doing outside. Notice that I compliment her lifestyle; in this case, the fact she is "active." Most men compliment looks which is a huge mistake because it's a common approach.

The message pays off because Alexa responds to my opening message. I know she at least looked at my profile because she addressed me by my name. Also, pay attention to her thanking me for "reaching out first."

It's important to message women first; ALWAYS. If a woman swipes right or likes your profile, don't let her sit there and expect her to send the first message. Be a man and message a woman first. Alexa thanked me in the message above because I took the initiative and messaged her.

Most men are clueless when it comes to what to say in a first message to women on dating sites. It's not rocket science; it's only online dating.

I don't care what dating site you're on; It's easy to start conversations with women. Just follow the steps above, and you'll stand out from the men who are using boring canned opening lines.

Yes, it takes more effort and time, but the reward is women appreciate a man who puts in some effort instead of the majority of men who use boring opening messages such as "How's your day?"

Leave your thoughts about what to say in a first message to women below. I would love to hear from you.